I felt so small..

I have no idea what is really happening to me. I wanted to seek help but then I felt that there was nothing wrong with me..
I can't deal with the stress I am feeling. I wonder at times there could be more for me to share with people i trust but....
there is nothing wrong with me seriously... I am just thinking too much... questionings... forever.... ever-ending.
I always tried to express myself however words are limited..
I have been thinking. If upbringing in a family is really so important. why? I somehow hate that I not do the things I should have when I am young. I cant blame my parents for that however.. they provide the cause or the condition? I always remind and tell myself that I should not be seeing things this way but I could not.
I keep telling myself that I am silly. Giving myself execues to somehow make myself feel better. But do I really feel better? NO! I wasn't feeling the least better. It become worse. I am very affected by all... my thoughts.. I really envy those people who can think well and manage their stuffs well... even thoughts.
Why is it so difficult to get really in-touch with oneself.. Why does one have to go through so may why, questionings?
Why can't I live simple and be happy. Why is it that I have such a "not nice" growing up experiences?
Why can't I stop asking why?

I am tired... I really feel that everything is so lame. I can't really tell people how I feel. I believe that there are really someone out there who is feeling this way. But I can't help that putting myself in a very bad sitution which is worse then most people. But it is not true.

I have been doing soul searching for so long. But why is it that I can't realise what I want, the correct things to be doing? It really makes me wonder why I need to do soul searching. It is usless anyway.

I keep reminding myself not to cause hurt to people but I am doing it to people everyday. How I wish that I can really get back to that simple Kaiming. At least to the one I once know.

Regrets.... Guilt seems to be hunting me. Thoughts are running wild. Helpless... How many more exercuses can I give myelf to convince myself that .......
WIll that day every come?