Should be posted on the 5th September 2002
I long wanted to post something to blog however, I am always holding back..
Lack of courage to face what I am going through, do not wish to put my problems
in words (meaning as I type them or say them out, they get too painful to bear).
I have decided that being happy is a very difficult thing to be, to achieve.
I always felt so insecure over everything. Even friends…
I always tell myself that I don’t want to bother myself with tons and tons of thoughts.
But I know I should not be doing it however I am doing it and it is making me feel so bad…
I can’t put this kind of thoughts, my emotions into words... but I wish I could put them
in words. I really wish I could.
I am thinking maybe it is just character. It is my character. I own it… I posses it…
but I hate it… I am always happy when I am surrounded by wonderful friends, people…
they can be happy just happy.. Although they have the “downs” period, they can cope it pretty well..
I should say then can cope it very very well. I cannot denied that the so called positive energy
they radiated can actually helped me.. lift me up to a more “me” mode.
Recently I have been very unhappy. I wasn’t really that concern if I am really unhappy or not till
it is affecting me so bad. Things don’t seem right in whatever I am doing. Studying, staying at
home, going to centre, talking to the same old friends. Blah blah blah…I felt myself getting more
and more aggressive. I can get angry or agitated at the slightest thing. That is not I. I tell myself
to accept things as it is. Do it slowly at a pace that I can easily accept. I tell myself that I want
to spent time with myself to clarify my thoughts however it never works. Never never never.
No matter how much time I spent with myself, I only mess up thoughts and they never get any
clearer. I gave up. I allow myself to be in the stage so not me. My “objective” in life seems to bid
me goodbye for a moment. I am lost… just like that.
I hope to send happy stuffs to blog. But I could not think of any. I drifted away from friends.
Hmm, I felt that.. like JY, JR, SY, GB, LR, AL, SY and so many more. I allow the distance
and hence I could be complaining BUT I am not comfortable with the distance. Not at all.
I felt alone. I am so alone.
Friends. . . I tried to “find” my faith with my religion. People have been telling me that I
might be going to the wrong centre. I don’t belong there. I WANT to be there. I was upset
when I heard negative comments from them. I was perfectly all right. I am really all right
with the faith, the everything although I am not happy there. Haha…. Contradicting. I always
felt that I should be happy as in the initial stage when I went there. Maybe I just lost my way…
eventually I know I will find the right path. I believe. I really do. J Wow.. Suddenly feel so good…
the power of my faith! Haha.
As I type out those stuff, I find that I have nothing to feel upset about… typing them out actually
make me “have to” accept them. As part of my life. My growing up process. Never ending. I felt tired.
Anyway, I choose to walk this path. I should be responsible for any “changes”. KM, grow up.
There are still so many people who have not given you up. Never left you alone.
Going through is it. feel it, own it, let go of it.
