...

Why is it so difficult to be yourself?
Why is it so easy to fall apart?
Why does all this sound like a depressingly overused excuse?

Am I feeling better today? Maybe perhaps.. I am alone at home. I have all the time and space to myself. Certain things become much more clearer. But still deep within, I know I am still not willing to accept it. Suffering... it never stops hunting me.. Sometimes it's really so funny.. I wanted time for myself so much and yet when I really have it, I am refusing it, rejecting it. I am somehow afraid to feel and acknowledge what is really going on!! haiz...

Anyway, I am going to think like this. I am better (I wished)! Things are more clearer.

I cant join you guys already.. Am so sad...

Alike?

You told me today that I am like you. Posses the same character. However, you are so sure telling me that I cant handle this character. I will get hurt my my own thoughts. I told you I will be able to handle it well but all I need is time. You agreed with me and asked me how long is required to heal? True... true... true....

You point out something to me. I need to learn to protect myself. Isn't that what I am doing right now? Or at least trying? I have told you I have not much choice isn't it? If I have been living with this for 21 years plus, it will be so difficult for me to change. It is in me... like it is in you although the way we handle it is totally different. You shared your views with me today. Hoping I will do something to heal myself. I am trying.. believe me.. I really am trying so hard. I know you will understand and stand with me isnt it?

Anyway, thank you so much, more than words. You pointed out things I have neglected.. You pointed out things which helps me reflect even more..

Today I realised, like I have told you just now... no matter how depressed, so sad one can get, eventually we will still announced victory. Because we'll somehow manage to live through it no matter how hard, how extreme each cases... life...

Maybe like what you've said, I should learn to be more open so as not to hurt myself with my own thoughts and keeping everything to myself isn't going to help if I cant handle.

Well well...

H.E.L.P

The ability to let go is a beauty. BUT I cant. Or maybe I did not want to?
I need space space and space. I want to be strong too. But I dont seems to be getting there. Everything is conquering me. Slowly each day, every hour, every minute. My heart is bleeding. My blood is going to run dry if I dont receive help. I am struggling deep within but no one hear me. Or am I refusing them? Keeping them beyond my reach? KKB, tell me??

I want to embrace life so much, all changes as what lies ahead but I dislike changes. It's messing up my life so terribly. Decisions are making me go crazy. Tell me, am I going to go through all this or am I going to die slowly? It's getting out of hand and I cant handle it anymore. No more. TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH. Shards of broken dreams being paste together, being put together and mess up all up again. Like a jigsaw puzzle. I want to be free. I want to be free. I WANT TO BE FREE.

I wish I can go back to those times where I can talk with flowers, strawberries or even wall. But I am not doing it now. Everything seems so hard. I've forgetten how. Those magical moments, simple yet it's so beautiful. I yelled to the past but all I could hear is echo. It's over. Gone with time. What's left is a picture in my heart. Memories captured, forgetten, and remembered... In bits and pieces...