.Beautiful people.

I should be thankful. For all those very beautiful people surrounding me. They are all people who put on a smile on my face. They are all angels.

Today is dad's lunar calander birthday. The chinese calander month 7 day 5. He's 51 years old this year. Mum is very cute. Yesterday she told me she want to help dad do life release. Today went to the bird shop and bought 51 birds.. hehe.. never know my mama is so cute. Went to centre to get Kalsang Rinpoche blessing before releasing the birds and do lamp offering for dad. Mum make offering to all of them today. She is one happy cute lady. =)

Went to changi beach today. It was really fun. We bought durians there to eat!!!! Yes.. you did not see wrongly.. it is durian!! Haha.. next time you might like to try out... eating durian at the seaside definately brings one a different experience. WONDERFUL!!! :P

I also realised, happiness can never be buy. No matter how much. And esp. a not fake smile received from someone will always be hidden in that small part of your heart. Never forgetten.

There are things I wish so much that I have the courage to post out here. But then people who understand me should know that I need a lot of space.. All right, let them stay deep within. I believe, I will have the courage someday. :)

Like I had post some days back, I would like to use it here again...
I have been missing you. No words can describe the feeling within. If there is, one sentence,

I miss you.

.aiyo.

I get affected very easily ah.. by things happening and people surrounding me. I dont like this..
It can pull me straight and right to the bottom which I feel so bad dealing with my emotions. I could not cope well with it.
I am wondering if this will lead me to "depression". Recently so many people surrounding me have tremendous ups and downs emotions. I dont feel like facing them while facing myself is already a problem. I need space. . .

.Death.

Why would people out of desperation, confusion, helplessness or whatever relevent reasons valid to them made them choose a never returning path, DEATH. And sad to say it is by committing sucide, ending one's own life. For everyone who fear death, how much courage was being plucked up to walk this path? It is too much.. How would someone just give away itself just like this? How do one say goodbye?

Now, I though it was a very unfair decision made. Death might be a release to one but the pain that one brings to the family, friends, whoever loves them, is unbearable. Life is so precious.. at the surface, it is so fragile, but beyond the surface, shouldn't there be at least something to keep motivating one to carry on life? And when death is "seen", here's what all are. Grappling, searching, trying to understand. And it takes time to heal everything. And pain, grief, emotions.

Today, I have been reading blogs griefing over loss of a happy girl. After reading so much, I felt death so scary, so close to me.. And I realise the importance of close ones, dharma, impermanence, so much so much, insight towards life.. it's so hard to put everything in words....

Haiz... more then words can say, I hope and believe, death will never be an option to me... Life is just too short to be wasted like this.

Why

Why do I continue doing stuff I don't want to?
Why do I smile when my heart feels heavy inside?
but then again..I know I can't continue being sad..it's wrong. To not continue on with life.
Life doesn't stop for anyone..even as you stand there, the world revolves around you in a flurry of activities...
it is not right..yet it is not wrong either.

What a day!?!


Left home for airport today feeling very happy. Today Mugsang Tulku is leaving for Manila. I was happy then. We went to Coffee Club Express for some drinks. Haha... Tulku ordered some kind of coffee(I forget the name). It's served sing a very very small cup.. like a toy cup. Haha.. Hmm.. it is like you are living in xiao3 ren2 guo2 so small.. And you know Tulku is so tall and "big" drinking from a "toy" cup that can easily fit into his mouth. He drank the coffee with his lips "too too"(in chinese) I have a good laugh.. together with him. I will never forget the propotion... so cute.. I was very happy then.

However, happy moments never last. I went back to centre together with Kalsang Rinpoche, Rinchen Lama and Shiyun by MRT. I saw Aunty Xiuli. I have not seen her for about 1 year.. She migrated to Switzerland. Although we have been communicating through sms, it is still different when seeing her. I was very sad although I met and greet her today. She seems so far from me. The distance and her withdrawal is making me feel uncomfortable and deep within, I know things are not the same anymore. She gave me the kind of feeling she do not wish to get close to me nor talk with me. I dont know how to ecpress that kind of feeling but it's enough to make me feel so sad that I cried.
----------------------------
RD, You return to Singapore this morning. I saw you and greet you with a smile... However, why do you have to scold me? I knew you meant well for me. I know you cared. BUT you dont have to use harsh words on me. You do not understand what I have been going through and dont judge based on what you see.. It is unfair to me. I felt hurt. This time you bring 'nothing' but tears. I am already feeling so sad about Aunty Xiuli issue and you....

Tell me what should I do? I have been posting unhappy post to blog recently.. I do not wish too. I am starting to think even more.. I am so scared my mind cant stopped thinking and get into S's condition. Am I??

Feelings and emotions are so scary. One minute, they can represent hope. The other minute, they can robbed away hope. When can I be strong enough to fight back tears, and announce victory? Feeling weaker every day, every minute.

I am so beautiful ...*:*

Extracted fro, sistA JR...

"And for the silly and notti sistA, for your occasional silly messages. Though you're at the Far East, technology has allowed us (the beautiful Northerners!) to maintain in contact and for me to know that you are still as silly and notti as usual, and blossoming into a beautiful, kind and insightful flower. Your habitual thoughtfulness seems to be producing results, in a positive way. :) "

Missing someone...

I have been missing you. No words can describe the feeling within. If there is, one sentence,

I miss you.